A group of people go into an amusement park and plan what rides to go on. They decide, just for shits and giggles, to go on the scariest and most thrilling ride imaginable.
If there are 5 people in that group, you can bet your entire mortgage that 4 of them genuinely want to go on said ride. And then there’s that one sucker who’s been peer-pressured into it because FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
Being the sensible person that I am, I have never seen the value of paying big bucks to voluntarily put yourself in a room that’s been made to resemble an old elevator that will then drop over a hundred feet, simulating a free fall that once killed 5 people (or sent them into The Twilight Zone. Same thing).
Unfortunately, remember our friend who’s been peer-pressured into going on that ride? Yep. Most of the time, that friend is ME.
I am the sucker that inevitably finds herself clutching at the rails and asking myself, among other things, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS I THINKING?
You know, when you’re strapped into a contraption that’s about to do a vertical drop of over a hundred feet, your life doesn’t quite flash before your eyes, but its a damn close thing.
So what was I thinking during those final moments before I plunge into
certain death the bottom of the Tower of Terror? Let me illuminate you.
On the day of the BIG DAY:
Surely I don’t need to do this. My siblings and my cousin won’t disown me if I back out, after all we’re FAMILY.
When you see the windows of the tower opening and hear the god-awful screams:
Oh my god. What am I doing? Is it too late to back out?
When you realise what a Disney Fast Pass means:
Why are we jumping the queue?? I want to have time to contemplate my life before I go on this death trap.
When you’re ushered into the converted library for a video introduction:
Is it normal for my legs to feel like jelly?
When you see a little boy who’s about 5 years old excitedly waiting for the elevator shaft:
Seriously. Get a grip. Kids do this all the time, surely YOU – an ADULT – will be able to handle it.
5 minutes later:
Nope, no way. Kids obviously don’t know enough to make an informed decision. Theirs is the courage that comes from ignorance.
When the elevator shaft opens:
Oh God, I am going to pass out.
While strapping yourself into your seat:
Shit. Shit. Shit. SHHHHIIIIIIT.
When the ride starts moving:
Why? Why am I doing this?? Why the bloody hell am I doing this? Let me out!
When they “fake-drop” you:
Okay, that wasn’t too bad. I got this. I think I can handle this.
When they drop you FOR REAL:
Holy mother of Christ! Help me Jesus!!!!
When they drop you for the second time:
Go to your happy place. Go to your happy place. It will all be over soon.
When they drop you the third time:
Surely this must be over soon!
When the camera flashes to take a reaction photo:
You expect me to be photogenic at a time like this???
* What I actually managed was this masterpiece:
And when its over:
I will never do this again. Its hard to conceive of anything that will motivate me to ever go on this ride again. Perhaps if the fate of the Brexit negotiations rest on it. And even then, I still say Nigel Farage and the other fools can literally take the fall for me.