I’ve been feeling so unmoored and restless lately, like I’ve lost my way and I don’t know how to get back to my centre. Its funny because on the surface it appears my life is going swimmingly. But I think what I’ve recently discovered is how important it is for us to take time and reflect.
I haven’t been doing a lot of blogging because I’ve stopped reflecting. And that has contributed a lot to the loss of my sense of self, and the disturbance to my peace of mind. London is a busy city, time goes by so quickly you find yourself on Friday wondering where the hell the week went.
It sometimes feels like you go through life as if it were all a blur, and you fail to take time to really be in the moment. You fail to savour each encounter and interaction because you’re already looking forward to the next one. I scoff sometimes at people who preach mindfulness and being fully in the present but lately I feel like they might be on to something.
For me the future has always been the Emerald City at the end of the yellow brick road. I’m always looking for the next big thing, the next big opportunity or life event that I can then blab about on social media. What I failed to realise is how much that affects my ability to fully immerse myself in what’s actually happening to or around me.
This blog is some kind of exercise to that effect. I really don’t have anything concrete to write about. I’m just letting the words flow without any thought as to structure and subject matter and hoping I might be able to make sense of all of it, and gain a better understanding of where I am mentally and emotionally at this stage.
I think I’ve had a rough couple of months. When you move up professionally you tend to give more of yourself to your work than you should, and that takes its toll no matter how much you love your job. I always aim to have a healthy work-life balance but I’ve forgotten that in my quest to prove myself at my new place of employment. I wanted to rub my success in the face of all my naysayers but did that really give me any satisfaction?
Satisfaction should always come from a job well done and nothing else, otherwise you’re doing the job for all the wrong reasons.
You can’t always trust people to do the right thing. The right thing is subjective and dependent on the individual and their life experiences. Your standards of morality and right or wrong is always going to be different from that of your neighbour. In other words, that bitch you know will always think she’s right even when she’s so wrong it hurts. And she’ll be a bitch forever.
I learned in college about the 90-10 principle. 10% of life is what happens to you, 90% is how your respond to it. You can stoop to the level of all the nasty and negative people you encounter, or you can laugh in the face of bitchiness and remember that you can still be empathetic and compassionate because you are the better person.
I believe in karma. Sooner or later people will always reap the rewards of what they sow and what goes around will come around. Retribution and comeuppance may take on a form no one expects, but they’re there all the same.
What else do I have to write about?
Relationships are messy. I’ve thought about this so much these past couple of weeks. Like can you imagine how much of yourself you give (and lose) when you enter a relationship? I mean, you now have to think of another person and consider their needs and wants before you even think about what you need and what you want. I find it amazing that anyone is capable of being that selfless but you see it every time in parents with their children, or when you see that rare relationship that really embodies #couplegoals.
I suppose the reason why I’m thinking about that is because more often than not my thoughts inevitably stray to my perpetually single state and I wonder whether the reason why I’m still single is because I’m not capable of giving that much of myself to others. I used to think I was, and I know I probably did so at one point in my life. But then I got burned, and my heart’s been closed up ever since, waiting for someone to help it beat again.
Recently I feel like I’ve found that person who makes me excited again, who makes me look forward to getting up each day because of the endless possibilities ahead. I sometimes think that’s the fuel that keeps me going: the thought that, no matter how bad it gets, life can take a crazy turn and its always, always, full of infinite maybe’s and possibilities.
With my luck though, that possibility would probably include this guy being in a serious committed relationship and him not wanting to have anything to do with me. But still. Possibilities.
I wonder if anyone is actually taking the time to read this verbal diarrhoea. If you are, thank you and congratulations. You’ve just been privy to thoughts that I haven’t been able to tell a single person in my life these past few months. Talking about anything real or deep and meaningful to my friends has become difficult for some reason.
I guess that’s why I love blogging. Its always easier to be vulnerable in a room full of strangers.
I will get back to more structured posts and book reviews later on. But for now, allow me this one kindness of letting me just ramble without filter.
Writing is the best kind of reflecting and processing after all.